The following letters are from Birth Parents. At one time they were pregnant mothers and/or couples searching for options and chose to create a compassionate adoption plan with Friends in Adoption. They offer their views and recollections in hopes that it will help other pregnant women trying to make their own decisions. Perspectives from some of the children they gave birth to are included as well. Feel free to contact FIA anytime with questions or comments by email at fia@friendsinadoption.org or calling toll free 1-800-844-3630.

Mother’s Day as a Birth Mother - Spring 2005
From Holly Holleran, A Birth Mother

Mother’s Day is quickly approaching and I’m starting to feel the emptiness once again. I can remember the very first Mother’s Day that Andrew wasn’t with me. I have a huge family and we get together at my Grandparents’ house for every holiday you can even think of. After Sunday mass, we were on our way to my Grandparents’ house, a mile up the road, to celebrate the honorable day for my mother, my four aunts, and my Grandmother. After attending mass, my family did their usual socializing with the other families in our community outside the church. Of course, I had to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to almost every woman I knew. I wish I could just bury myself on this day. I tried acting normal toward all those great mothers in church and be happy and proud of them, but what about me? Did they already forget? It was a happy day…for them.

While at my Grandparents’ house I sat on the couch in silence while my aunts laughed, talked, cooked dinner and enjoyed their time together. My cousins ran in and out of the house playing with each other in happiness and I sat there in grief… It was Mother’s Day. I wasn’t about to show my grief in front of my entire family for they had a difficult time themselves saying “Hello” and “Goodbye” to their first Great Grandson, Great Nephew, and for my mother her very first Grandson. I was beginning to believe that everyone had forgotten about me.

I can’t even express the loneliness I felt that day. Upon leaving, I did my typical round of hugs to all my aunts and cousins. As usual, the last to hug is always my NaNa.While hugging she whispered in my ear, “Happy Mother’s Day to you too.”Tears quickly welled up in my eyes and I started to feel complete. That alone meant so much to me. I had talked to my best friend that day and she didn’t even say “Happy Mother’s Day” to me.To put it simply, I was hurt. I thought I was a mother or at least some sort of mother.

As Spring is approaching, the weather is getting nice, but Mother’s Day is right around the corner and I’m getting nervous once again.While doing some research on the internet I found a date for Birth Mother’s Day! It is the Saturday right before Mother’s day. A group of Birth Mothers in Seattle,Washington created this day in 1990. It came to their attention that this was one of the most painful days of the year besides their child’s birthday. Ceremonies have been organized throughout the nation. This day is observed and recognized by many of those who have placed their child or children for adoption and also for those who love and support these women.As Birth Mothers we should be honored and remembered for our role and the choices we have made to give birth and then to give our children an amazing future.We should take this day to honor ourselves and take pride in what we have done. It is said that Birth Mother’s Day was created to help birth mothers acknowledge all of our feelings, especially those that are full of grief.

If we all dig deep within our hearts, step up, and honor each of our birth mothers we can make this holiday successful.We are lucky to have the opportunities of open adoption to have the ability to know many of our Birth Mothers and honor them in a special way! Send a card, write a letter, send flowers, or simply call her up and tell her about Birth Mother’s Day! If you’re a Birth Mother, write a letter to another Birth Mother telling them how much you admire her and the courage and bravery they have put forth. It could mean the world to her. After all, each of us share some of the same parts in our adoption stories. Share your story with someone and reflect upon the joyous as well as the difficult part and emotional piece. Altogether, let’s start by making this May 7th, 2005 an honorable Birth Mother’s Day and let’s hope in the future we can hold our very own Friends In Adoption Birth Mother’s Day Ceremony!

Holly Holleran

“The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or touched.They must be felt with the heart…” Helen Keller

From Julie Ann Porter (Birth Mother)

I have always been an outspoken advocate concerning adoption and of open adoption in particular. I take a great deal of pride in being a birth mother and not just once, but twice. This second relinquishment seems to throw a lot of people since they can hardly comprehend placing one child for adoption, let alone two. Yet I remain undaunted in sharing my experiences in hopes of shedding some well-deserved light on the subject of open adoption. Only in understanding will the power of this stigmatism be allowed to fade into nothingness. The first time I went with the adoption decision, I was completely uninformed and had no idea of the options available to me. My daughter’s adoption was as closed as they came, and I consider myself fortunate to have been given the opportunity of seeing her before she left the hospital. Even though it was 1988, still the subject of relinquishment was shrouded in a great deal of secrecy. Even now, there are many who believe that placing a child up for adoption is something to be ashamed of. It is obvious to all who know me, that I am not of this opinion myself.

It was a struggle to get even one picture a year from the couple who adopted my little girl (Lindsey.) I try so hard to understand their fears and concerns in acknowledging my existence. I try never to do or say anything which can be construed as threatening or aggressive. Yet and still they maintain their unrelenting position of having nothing to do with me. I am not allowed to have any contact with them and they have virtually no identifying information about me. Regardless of whether they acknowledge me or not, I am real and I do have strong emotional ties to this child I may never see again.

I have come to believe that my being involved in Lindsey’s life does not mean they love her any less. Neither does it take away their rights as her true parents. I am, as I have always been, strong in the belief that I through adoption have done something so far above value, that it has no price. Nor is it something I could ever regret because of the personal growth obtained from such a decision.

However, when I became pregnant in 1991, a very close friend told me about Friends In Adoption (FIA). I decided to place my son Patrick with a couple through this agency. It was by far one of the greatest experiences a pregnant woman could have. Dawn and her staff went out of their way to make sure I was taken care of and it wasn’t at all done in a patronizing or an insincere way. Her staff made me feel loved and appreciated and to this day, nine years later, I am still important enough to them to be remembered.

This relinquishment was as different from the first as it could have been. My decision to place with FIA was a positive and empowering experience.

The family I chose was involved in my pregnancy beginning with the tenth week until Pat was born. From that day in September 1991 until this one in 2000, Natalie and I are still friends even to the point of her taking time out of her schedule, to fly out here to make my wedding an unforgettable experience. Because of her and her commitment to open adoption, I am very much an important part of my son’s life.

How I wish Lindsey could have been here on the most important day of my life. For just one week after my son turned nine, I find myself walking down the aisle towards the man I have chosen to marry. A few short steps in front of me, is my son Patrick. He is my ring bearer and his presence at my wedding stands as a testimonial to the positive benefits of open adoption. The son I gave into Natalie’s care is a happy, healthy and extremely bright child. What a remarkable journey this has become.

From Monique (Birth Mother)

I am writing to Friends in Adoption because I would love to get into this field. I feel I have a lot to offer in this department. I am a birth mother and placed a child for adoption almost 11 years ago. It has been quite the journey for these past few years. The relationship I have established with the adoptive parents is amazing. They write to me twice a year and tell me all about "my daughter." I feel as though I share in parts of her life because they allow for that through the very detailed letters I receive. Although I have never met her, I do get pictures twice a year and have an Aunt who has spoken with them from time to time.

A few weeks ago, the adoptive mother of my daughter passed away unexpectedly. It has broken my heart. She was a wonderful woman. All she ever wanted was to be a "mother." I gave her that gift. Today, I feel so grateful for giving her the most precious gift she could have ever asked for. Since her death, I feel compelled to help others that have given up children or who plan to give up a child. The decision is not an easy one to make and I know this. The emotional part of making a decision like this is very difficult. I have had such great support from my Aunt through all the highs and lows in the past eleven years and I want to pass on my support to others.

I was also on the other side of things. By this I mean, at seventeen years old I was already a single parent. I had a son and raised him as a single teenage mom for years… I know what it can be like to parent by yourself at such a young age. (The daughter I gave up for adoption was born when my son was two years old and I was nineteen.) Being thirty years old now ~ and feeling as if I have been through it all, I want to share my experience and help others.

The couple who adopted my daughter had gotten newsletters from "Friends in Adoption"…this is how I learned of your agency. I enjoyed a copy they had sent me years ago and with my recent search on the internet and reading more about you I wanted to help. I was wondering what I could do to help? Do I need schooling and a degree in this department to help others? Reuniting children and their biological parents also interests me and again I was wondering how I could get into doing something like this? Please help me. I really feel strongly about doing this but do not know what avenues I need to take to get involved. I would appreciate a response from you as soon as possible so l can get started doing what I need to do. Thank you so much for your time and God Bless.

Also from Monique:

I am excited to announce that I am starting a much needed Rhode Island Area Support Group. Those of us who have placed a child for adoption, as well as people facing the decision to make an adoption plan for a child, are welcome to attend. We will come together to share and support one another. Anyone who has an interest in attending a group like this should e-mail me at brthprntsupport@aol.com

From Beth (Adoptee writing about her Birth Mother Ellen)

I admire my birth mother, Ellen, for her heroic characteristics. She has done so many wonderful and courageous things in her life for me, for her family, and for mine.

My Birth Mother, Ellen, is a music teacher in Texas. She teaches children how to play in an orchestra in five different elementary schools. She also plays the viola in the Symphony Orchestra. She lives with her husband. They have a son who is five and a dog named Sasha.

Some positive aspects of being a hero are that people see heroes as role models and look up to them. People trust heroes to be there and to keep secrets and to listen and understand them. Some negative aspects are that people expect things from heroes that they don't expect from other people. This makes it hard for the heroes to always live up to those expectations.

I look at Ellen as a hero because she has done a lot of courageous things in her life. First of all, she made an adoption plan for me to live with parents who could take better care of me. This was courageous because she loves me greatly and knew that she would miss me. Another courageous thing is that she is not afraid to write and talk to me. For example, one summer my family and I went to her home to visit her.

Also, she is supportive of me and understanding of my feelings. She is friendly and kind. I can depend on her to be there. She supports me by listening and understanding. She is caring because she always says "I love you!" at the end of every phone call.

She perseveres because she continued with her career in music, even with her other job and her family! She is a hard worker because she has two jobs and a family to take care of. She is intelligent because she is really good at music and teaching.

She is brave because she flew all the way to Vermont for the adoption of me. She perservered with the adoption even though a lot of people told her she should not do the adoption. She is also trustworthy because she kept her word when she was doing the adoption plan and still gave me to my parents.

The main reason I think Ellen is a hero is because I think of heroes as ordinary people who do extaordinary things. Ellen is an ordinary person, with an ordinary family, but yet she did a courageous and extraordinary thing to make everyone happy.

From Jean (Birth Mother)

I worked with FIA with my "baby's" birth. They were wonderful to me. Always there for me even if the question's seemed silly to me. I would like to help other birthmom's especially those with other children and possibly some that have a husband, as I did. It was not easy but my family was supportive and we are working through things. It was a hard thing to do (giving up a child that you nutured for 9 months). We had alot of bumps along the way, but I feel I could help someone facing this difficult decision. I am outspoken and tell it like it is. Please feel free to contact me if I can be of any assistance to this wonderful cause. I truly believe that adoption done right and with positive reinforcement is a beautiful thing. If I had not had help I would not have been able to do it. My child is in a loving home with two wonderful parents who will love and care for her the way I would not have been able to.

If you would like to speak with Jean about any aspects of being a birthmom or being pregnant and considering an adoption plan please email Jess at FIA - fia@friendsinadoption.org or call our toll free number - 1-800-844-3630 and ask for Jess.

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