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you looking for the opportunity to connect with other birth mothers and fathers?
This page is dedicated to: - Pregnant women/couples considering making
an adoption plan.
- Birth Parents and/or family members.
- Adopted
persons.
Do you want to share something with someone who has been
in your shoes? If so, please send us your comments and questions by filling out
the form to the right. Please include your email address, so that we may reply
to you. Please note: Due to high volume, not all questions will be posted on our
website. Also, please allow ample time for a reply. Thank You,
The
Bittersweet Birth Parent Support Group
Question:
I
have a surprise unplanned pregnancy that was discovered when I was no longer dealing
with the father. At first I automatically said "abortion" but now I keep thinking
the only reason I don't want it is because I am in school trying to finish after
already taking a year off due to financial hardships, and have no money no time
no postgraduate degree and the associated job (and pay!) and no child's father
in the same place and in a married relationship to help. Also no family to help.
I have 4 semesters of grad school left, and the father is not in a position to
help take care of a child. So now I am picturing open adoption (or is this foster
care?) where the child is placed with a family until I am in a position to take
care of him/her (preferably within 6 months to a year of graduation). Is this
possible? Is it a strain on the child if the child is only 2 or 3 years old and
has had open contact with me before then? I nearly died of complications from
the first pregnancy (kept the child, but ended up divorced and single parenting
which is a situation I desperately did not want), so I am also having a slight
phobia of carrying this one to term and possibly dying. I need answers fast because
surprisingly, the baby is guessed at around 12 or 13 weeks by ultrasound and I
am amazed so much time passed before I got a clue! 24 year old
in Florida. Answer:
Hello- If you would be able to visit your
child while you are preparing to be his/her full time parent and if a family could
be identified as an interim private care foster family- then it would probably
work out. You might want to contact some private agencies in Florida to discuss
your options. Question:
Hi, I am young teen who recently found
out I was not only pregnent, but going into my third trimester. I am having a
hard time accepting adoption as an option, but because of my age, how can I work,
go to school, and be there for my baby, I need to support myself and my child.
I need some advice on anything to do with raising a child on your own at a young
age or on adoption. Thank you very much for your time. Answer:
Hi,
My name is Kim and I’m a casework assistant with Friends In Adoption; I would
be happy to mail you information about your options. If you would find it helpful
to call so that we may ask questions relevant to (potentially) sending profiles
of wonderful families approved to adopt you can reach me at 800-844-3630. Take
Good Care, Kim Casework Assistant Question:
I am interested in
meeting my birthmother, but i'm afraid that she doesn't want to meet me. How could
i get into doing something like this and how could I let her know i would want
to do this? Answer: I am not sure of your age - but
have you spoken with your adoptive family to see if they may be of help to you?
My husband and I helped our daughter meet her birth mother and her extended family.
I had a friend contact her birth mother ahead of time to make sure that she would
be willing to meet ~ the meeting went well (it was nine years ago) and today my
daughter remains in touch with her birth mother and her birth sister. Question:
Hi I am 19yrs. old, and I am pregnant with my first baby girl And I
am due very soon In sept. I am very scared because I am not sure of what to do,
I am considering adoption but my family and friends are not. They keep telling
me they will be ther to help me but I just can't see myself rasing a baby right
now at all.And I really don't want my child to grow up without a father Like I
did and my kid father will not be around at all, and I know how painful that is,
and I want to do more with my life besides have a baby. I don't know am I wrong
to feel this way? What would you do? Answer: Hi , my
name is Heidi and I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 21 years old. My
situation was similar to yours now. Once my mom knew I was pregnant, she really
pressured me to parent. I felt the same as you that I wasn't ready to raise a
baby and I really wanted to finish college and being a parent would make that
really hard. I didn't have a relationship any longer with the father so I had
no help from him. I really had to tell my mom that I was trying to put my baby
first and that was the most unselfish thing I could do for her because I wasn't
ready. Your feelings aren't wrong and only you know what is right for your
child and for you. Choosing adoption felt really right for me and it was just
reinforced once my daughter was born and I saw the bond forming between her and
the adoptive parents I had chosen for her. I had support from many people and
my mother realized after time that I had done the right thing for my daughter
and for me. I can't make the decision for you but I can tell you that I
had no regrets with my decision. She has 3 parents that love her very much and
2 of her parents are giving her all the opportunities I couldn't. I also did go
back and graduate from college. I feel you should make the decision that feels
right for you and there are people who will be there to support you if your family
can't. I hope that this helps and you will be in my thoughts. Please, please keep
in touch if you feel you need to talk some more. I wish all the best for you and
your baby. Heidi Question:
I realize this question is from
further along in the adoption experience than most you'll get on this page, but
I'm not sure where else to ask. I placed my daughter for adoption (through FIA)
about 10 years ago. We have an open adoption arrangement, and have met several
times in the last few years. I'm a very private person, and very few people in
my life know about the adoption; almost none of my family. I just had a second
child recently. My daughter has started asking about her extended birth family,
and I think she should be able to meet them if she wants to. Have any of you dealt
with telling family about the adoption years later? How have you explained it
to subsequent children? I'd appreciate any input. I'm well into my 30s, and I
still get sick to my stomach thinking of telling my very Catholic father about
my first child. Answer:
Dear Elizabeth, I have
a 19 year old birth daughter that was adopted. I hope I can be of help concerning
the questions you have. Why not begin by telling someone in your family
that you feel more comfortable and less intimidated by than your Dad? I know the
fear of disappointing a parent can be great. Confiding in a sibling, cousin, aunt
or friend will give you a chance to practice your 'presentation' and, hopefully,
gain an ally when it does come time to tell the rest of the family. My
best advice is to be strong in the conviction of your decision and never waver
from it. The shock may invoke irrational responses from family members. Don't
let their initial feelings or words create self doubt. More often than not, confidence
and conviction is contagious. Your strength may help them overcome any trepidation
they may have. On the other hand, the response may be very sympathetic
and understanding. Human nature is unpredictable. We always expect the worse and
hope for the best. It has been my experience that it's usually not as bad or difficult
as we expect. I work for the Catholic Church and have many friends there.
I have a good understanding of the religion. I have to believe your Catholic Dad
will be relieved and pleased that you chose life for your child. It may take time,
but once he settles in with the facts he will find peace with your choice. I
struggled with telling my subsequent children about their sibling. I imagined
all sorts of horrible scenarios, like 'do you love her more than us?' and 'will
you give us away if you get mad enough at us?'. When the time did come to tell
them, at age 8 and 10 I think, I was astounded by their reactions. They were thrilled
to have an older sister. They talk about her as if she's been a part of our lives
forever. They've told their friends and teachers when appropriate. They can barely
wait for her to come find them. Once again, fear conquered by sheer honesty. I
hope your family welcomes your daughter with open arms. She obviously has a lot
of love to give. They have ten years of love to catch up on. It's never too late
to enlarge the family circle. And in this world, who couldn't use the extra love?
Kathy Question:
I'm 18 and stuggling with
and unplanned pregnancy. I don't know whether to choose adoption or raise the
baby. My family doesn't want me to give the baby up and say they are willing to
help me in whatever way I need them to, I won't have any finacial problems andi
know that they the baby will be raised with loving people. But no matter how much
they say this I'm still afraid of being a mother when I'm only 18 and drastically
changing my life. How did you arrive at your final decsion? Beth Answer:
Hi Beth, I was just a couple of years older than you when I made the choice to
place my daughter for adoption. My decision was motivated out of love for her
and wanting her to have the best life possible. I really put her needs before
my own because unfortunately the situation wasn't right for me to parent her.
But I also had goals for myself - I wanted to finish college and that would of
been really hard if I had been a single parent. I found a great deal of peace
of mind about being able to choose and form a bond with the couple that became
Abby's parents. It was very comforting and reassuring that I knew Abby would be
raised by two people I had chosen just for her and became close with. This really
helped me making the decision. I also got pictures and letters of Abby until she
was 5 and it just totally helped reinforce that I made the right choice. Abby
and her parents are my thoughts every day but I know that I made the right choice
for her and myself. I know this must be a really hard time for you right now and
I will be thinking of you. If it would help to keep in touch, I would like to
hear from you again, just email Friends In Adoption (fia@vermontel.net) and they
will foward on to me. Heidi Question:
Hi, I was reading
through the website and wondered if at any stage, you felt any guilt for, or selfishness
for giving away your child. Answer:
Hi, I never felt
any guilt or selfishness about placing my daughter for adoption at all. I was
not in a situation where I could effectively parent my daughter. It was an unselfish
decision where I put her needs before my own. She deserved to have a life that
I couldn't give her. I felt sadness but I was also fortunate to have supportive
people and counselors to help me as well as the information I received from my
child's parents including pictures. So there was no feelings of guilt or selfishness,
just a very natural grief that took time to heal. I hope this helps. From
Heidi - A Birth Mother Question:
I just gave birth to my baby
girl Emma Michelle this Wednesday the 25th., and she was adopted by a wonderful
and caring couple...I seem to be going through a range of emotions, even some
which I didn't expect...where can I turn? I feel so incredibally empty. Answer:
My name is Heidi and I can relate to how you are feeling at this time. I went
through many emotions when I placed my daughter for adoption. I knew I was making
the right decision for both of us but I wasn't prepared for all the feelings,
like you. It was a loss, almost like a death, and I had to grieve. It took time
and my feelings would change from day to day. I really tried to do good things
for myself, like I went back to college right afterwards. But the best
thing I did was reach out to other birth moms who had been there and were extremely
supportive and patient and just listened. I also was fortunate to have a counselor
who became a close friend and that helped too. I guess what I can say helped most,
and might help you too, was to not hold in all the feelings. Finding a
trusted person you can confide in and who can give you support when you need it,
especially at this time, is very important. Please let me know how everything
goes for you, and if you ever need an empathetic ear, you can contact me anytime
through Friends in Adoptions website or if you want to speak by phone, let me
know and we can arrange it. You'll be in my thoughts. Jesseca Responds: Heidi,
thank you for your note, I hadn't expected a response so soon. The adoptive parents
of Emma Michelle just e-mailed me, and report a clean bill of health for their
new daughter, her new name is Gael Colleen. I am so glad they are keeping in touch
with me, I think I'd go insane if I didn't know how she is doing. Today especially,
I was doubting my decision to relenquish my baby girl... Tom and Angie (the adoptive
parents) even sent personalized Thank You notes to my relatives who gave gifts
to the baby and them at the hospital. I really don't have any questions at this
point, but just needed to express my gratitude for your quick response and to
give an update. Truly, Jesseca Heidi Responds: Hi Jesseca,
I'm so glad that you heard from your daughter's adoptive parents. Like you, I
got personalized notes from my daughter's parents and it really was great to hear
from them and hear how well Abby was doing afterwards. It just reassured me that
I made the right choice. Thanks for emailing me and letting me know how you're
doing. Please know if you ever need anything, I am here. Heidi Response
from Monique Birth Mother (to original question): Hi Jesseca It is
perfectly normal to feel so many different emotions at this time. You cannot predict
beforehand what you will feel afterwards. Just know that every emotion that you
are feeling comes with this....the feelings are yours and they are also real.
The best step you can take is the one you just did. Reaching out to others
who have experienced the same or a similar situation is the best way. Keeping
it bottled inside can almost be damaging to yourself. I, too, went through this
and still do from time to time. Sometimes you wonder if the empty feeling will
ever go away( for that I do not have an answer) but...... what I do to help myself
now is pick up the phone and call someone...if calling someone is not convienient
at the time I will also write down what I am feeling...any time that I have written
things, I can go back and read what I wrote and realize sometimes that I have
a different feeling than what I experienced either a few days ago or even months
ago....(of course now, I am going on years ago). Just getting it out helps. You
can always keep in touch with me and I will be here for you when you need it.....just
contact Friends in Adoption and we could set something up. Good Luck to you and
I hope this was helpful and answered your question. Monique Question:
How long did it take you to stop the grieving processs and finally move on and
know that he/she was in a good home? Answer:
I don't
think there really is a set time line for when I stopped grieving. I do know that
receiving pictures and letters from my daughter's parents really helped and I
think after about a year I was in a better place emotionally. It helped that I
did positive things for myself in the time right after I placed my daughter. I
went back to college and also made sure I had people I could talk to if I needed.
I always knew my daughter was in a good home because I chose it for her and I
never regretted my decision. But I did struggle emotionally, and I had to work
hard to get in a good place again. Even after 13 years (that's how old she is),
there are still times when I miss her and her parents, I formed a bond with them
too, and I find that talking to other birthparents and the people at FIA helps
me when I'm feeling down. I just really try to find an outlet to express my feelings
and it helps. If you'd like to contact me again, please don't hesitate. I'll be
thinking of you.
From Heidi - A Birth Mother Note from
the Friends In Adoption Staff:
You can e-mail Heidi through Friends In
Adoption at fia@friendsinadoption.org
or toll-free at 1-800-844-3630.
Question:
I recently gave my son up for adoption and met the adoptive
parents first. While this did make me feel better about my decision, I miss him
so much and wonder if he will understand as he gets older? Answer:
When I placed my daughter for adoption, I always knew and felt that she would
learn about her adoption through her parents in a very normal and natural way.
Which is exactly what happened. I trusted her parents to be the ones to share
everything with her when she was ready, and she has pictures of me and information.
To her, it's part of who she is, but not the whole part, and it's not really a
big deal. She knows all that she needs or wants to and understands why I made
the choice I did. So while I miss her and her parents, I am very happy with how
she is thriving and having the life and experiences she deserves. Knowing all
this just reassured me that I made the right choice. You are in my thoughts, and
if you want to contact me, please do so anytime through FIA.
From
Heidi - A Birth Mother Note from the Friends In Adoption Staff:
You can e-mail Heidi through Friends In Adoption at fia@friendsinadoption.org
or toll-free at 1-800-844-3630.
Question:
If I have missed my period and had sore nipples, tender
breasts and a sore stomach but took a home test and it said negative could I be
pregnant? What should I do- take a blood test? Answer:
Some of those tests will come out negative if taken at the wrong time or for any
reason....it has happened to me before and the next time, which was about a week
later, I took the test again and it read positive.....my response to you would
be to make an appointment and see the doctor. They are more qualified to help
you in this area. Hope all goes well.
From Monique - A Birth Mother Advice
from the Casework Staff at Friends In Adoption:
Accurate test results
are vital for you to know and there are many factors that can affect a home pregnancy
test, so as Monique suggested, we also would strongly recommend that you consult
a doctor. If you are not able to see a doctor, look in your local Yellow Pages
for a Planned Parenthood clinic in your area and schedule a low-cost appointment
for a pregnancy test.
Question:
My husband was adopted and he recently located his birth-mother after 30 years.
He sent her a letter about a month ago, and she has not contacted him yet. Why
would she not respond? Answer #1:
There could be many
reasons she has not contacted him yet. One being that she may have never received
the letter. Things do get lost in the mail, and that very well could be it. Another
reason may be out of fear. Fear of many different things that come along with
meeting or responding to your birthchild. Maybe she doesn't know how to respond...maybe
she is afraid. It could be anything, or she just may need more time. She may want
her response to be perfect ( I know I would want it to be, it couldn't be anything
less). She could just be taking her time with a response to say everything she
wants to say (I know with me it would be one of the most difficult letters I would
ever have to write and also a letter that requires you to go back in time and
feel things. It just isn't easy). Think about it, thirty years ago adoptions were
much different than they are today, so take that into consideration. One
suggestion I have is to write another letter. Let her know that you would like
her to respond no matter what her feelings may be towards having contact. Just
ask her to respond in acknowledgement that she received the letter. See how that
goes. If you feel you have exhausted that effort, and feel comfortable in doing
so, try having another person, a third party, contact her in other ways. I
hope things work out for you the way you would want them to. Good Luck in your
quest to have contact.
From Monique - A Birth Mother Answer
#2:
I think it could be any number of reasons. I'm not sure of the specific
circumstances of your husband's adoption, but she could be afraid or wanting it
to remain private. Perhaps she has other family members, including other children
who may not be aware she has a child that she placed for adoption. Giving her
time to process the letter and being patient is important, even though I'm sure
it's difficult to do. She may not be sure how to respond and just needs to think
about it. No matter what happens, your husband took an important step towards
contact, and hopefully his birth mother will respond when she's ready.
From Heidi - A Birth Mother
Question:
I have my birth mother's name and address. I would like
to contact her, but I don't know the circumstances behind my adoption. How can
I write her and let her know that if she wants to meet me I would love it, without
compromising her or making her feel bad about my contacting her? Answer
#1:
I'm trying to put myself in the your shoes as an adoptee. I know as
a birthmother I would love a letter from my child. I would welcome an open ended
letter that gave information about how their life has been. I think if you included
in the letter that you would like to meet her, and how you can be contacted, that
would be fine. It's hard to predict how she will feel, and it could be that she'll
have a mixture of feelings. I would just write what you honestly feel, but just
realize her reaction is beyond your control. If you are meant to reunite, it will
happen. Just be prepared that it may take some time.
From Heidi -
A Birth Mother Answer #2:
Maybe the best way to approach
this would be to have someone other than yourself get in touch with her and let
her know that you would really like to contact her. Take it from there. Good Luck
to you and I hope all works out.
From Monique - A Birth Mother
Question:
I heard that you can get help with education, living arrangements
etc. while you're pregnant. I'm not sure if its through the adopting parents or
the agencies. Any info? Answer:
Because of my personal
situation, I did need help with living arrangements. This adoption agency, Friends
In Adoption, did locate a home where I could stay that was central to my doctor's
office, shopping and other locations that I would need access to. The first place
didn't work out, so the adoption agency found another place for me to stay with
room and board, and the adoption agency staff transported me to doctor's appointments
when I needed to go, which was great. I can't really explain how the financial
piece or legal aspect of paying for my room and board worked out, but hopefully
the agency can do that for you. If you have any other questions, please don't
hesitate to ask.
From Heidi - A Birth Mother
Note
from the Friends In Adoption Staff: If you are pregnant and/or considering
adoption and have questions or concerns about the finances involved, please call
Friends In Adoption toll-free at 1-800-844-3630 or send us an e-mail at fia@friendsinadoption.org.
We will do our best to answer your
questions and can also refer you to an
experienced adoption attorney in your area. Each state differs in what expenses
are legally allowable and when this assistance can begin. If you are in immediate
need of help or cannot access pre-natal care, please call us and we will do all
we can to help.
Question:
I have decided to give my baby up for adoption. I know the family pretty well,
and I am sure I am making the right decision. It is still incredibly hard, especially
because I have no real support group. Is there anything I can do to make giving
my baby away a little easier for both me and my 2 year old daughter? Answer:
That is such a heartfelt question to answer....because my son was two when I gave
my daughter up for adoption. I remember telling my son that she (the baby) had
to go live with another family because this baby grew in their hearts (the adoptive
family) for such a long time. At his age it was a suitable answer for him and
eventually the questions stopped. As far as preparing yourself to do it......if
you know in your heart it is the right thing to do you will do it. An easy way
to do it , you ask...I think just mentally preparing yourself will help alot....there
are reasons known only to you for making this decision and your own personal reasons
are enough. Also, make a plan for this adoption...what I mean by this is ....along
with the adoptive parents and yourself come up with a plan. Whether you want an
open adoption, where you see the child periodically as agreed upon by both parties
or even a semi-open adoption where you correspond by mail either both ways or
one way. The way I have my adoption set up is that the family writes to me 2 times
a year...birthday and Christmas and they also send photos. Or, if it is for you,
it can be completely closed where there is no contact. Decide these things before
placing your child and I think that will help in this transition. Another
thing that may help you is to write a letter to your child...the adoptive parents
can hold on to the letter for you and let the child know it is there and at an
appropriate age your child could sit down and read that letter......or the agency
in which you are doing the adoption with can hold the letter for you....all your
choice. Try and get connected with other women who have placed their children
also....maybe even look in your area for a support group that deals with adoptions.
I hope all of this can help you and it is what you are looking for.....I wish
you all the best at such a difficult time in your life.
From Monique
- A Birth Mother
P.S. For help locating a pregnancy or birth parent
support person or group in your area, call Friends In Adoption at 1-800-844-3630
or e-mail: fia@friendsinadoption.org.
The staff will do their best to find you the help you need.
Question:
I am 21 and in college. I am scared to tell my parents
that I am pregnant. What made you choose adoption. Plus, my baby's daddy is not
answering me when I call him. Answer:
Hi, I was in a
very similar situation as you when I learned I was pregnant. I was 21 years old,
in college and the baby's father wanted to sell his motor cycle so I could have
an abortion. I had been pregnant once before and made the choice to have an abortion
then. But for this pregnancy, abortion was not the option that I wanted for my
child. My family didn't know I was pregnant right either but they surprised me
about how supportive they were about the pregnancy at least. Adoption seemed to
be a very natural choice because I knew I couldn't parent and yet I wanted to
carry the child full term. I knew adoption wouldn't be easy emotionally but I
really felt that my child's needs came first. I was so lucky to find Friends
In Adoption with the help of my aunt and this agency was very supportive especially
since my father was dead and my mother was not supportive of the adoption plan.
I connected with a wonderful couple and spent 3 months getting to know each other
and forming a relationship. It really helped to know them as real people who were
going to give the baby everything in the world. They were right there when our
daughter was born and it was so amazing to see them bond as a family. Being able
to see them all together really reassured me that I made the right choice for
all 4 of us. They are family to me and I was lucky to be able to place my daughter
with two parents who cherish her, keep her safe and give her every opportunity.
It's too bad the baby's father won't answer your calls but don't let
that stop you in doing what you need to do for yourself and your baby. I had a
very limited relationship with my daughter's father once he knew I wasn't having
an abortion. So all I can say, is that your needs and the baby's needs come first
and if he's ever ready he'll connect with you.
I know you have alot of
thoughts running through your head and perhaps I told you more than you were ready
for. But I am thinking of you and I hope my response helps in some small way.
If you would like to contact me again, I would like that and you can email me
through FIA's website.
From Heidi - A Birth Mother Note
from the Friends In Adoption Staff:
You can e-mail Heidi through Friends
In Adoption at fia@friendsinadoption.org.
And if you have any questions whatsoever about adoption, please call the great
team of people at Friends In Adoption: 1-800-844-3630 twenty-four hours a day."
Question:
Back on 2-12-2002 I gave my son up for adoption, he was
born on that day. I did it all for the man I was dating, the baby's dad. I am
having a hard time to this day dealing with it. I cry a lot each day. Can you
help me find a way I can move on? I have another 3 year old and he is going to
be asking soon where his brother is. How can I tell him? I will be honest I wish
I never did this. I know he is safe, but I miss him more each day! I fall apart
every day, and I can't seem to think he'll never be home again with me. I miss
him so much. Answer:
I also had a hard time after I placed
my daughter for adoption through Friends In Adoption. What really helped was having
people, other birthparents and FIA there when I needed to talk or even just to
cry. I also allowed myself to grieve for the loss of my daughter. It took time,
and I realized that I will always miss her. But it helped knowing how well she
was doing with her parents. I was fortunate to get pictures and letters, which
also reassured me that I made the best decision for everyone. You have a different
situation than mine since my daughter's father was not involved at all. But if
it would help you in any way to talk by phone or email (fia@friendsinadoption.org),
just let Jess at Friends In Adoption know and I'm there. Just know, it's okay,
it's very normal and natural, to feel this way. I sure did, and I still cry sometimes
and it's been 13 years. Take all the time you need to work through this, and don't
hesitate to talk to others who will listen and be there for you without any pressure
to "get over it". Don't hold it in. I hope I've helped you some how. Please don't
hesitate to get it touch with me and I'll be thinking of you. From Heidi
- A Birth Mother
Question:
What was it like to give up your baby? Did you get to see him/her before it was
given away? What are your feelings about that? Answer:
Placing my child for adoption was a decision I had thought about alot while I
was pregnant and I knew that's what I wanted for my baby. I was unable to give
him or her all that they needed. I was lucky and got to meet the adoptive parents
that I chose for my baby and form a relationship with them for 3 months. They
were there at our daughter's birth. I spent 3 days with my daughter and her adoptive
parents in the hospital. I got to see them form that parent/child bond and that
was really special. I really felt like I had made the right choice and since I
knew where she was going to be over the years that just made it better. But
I had a really difficult time afterwards and really fell apart. I really missed
my daughter and her adoptive parents. Counseling helped some but what helped the
most was getting pictures and information from her parents on a regular basis.
I got pictures until she turned 5 years old and seeing how beautiful she was and
hearing how she was doing really helped me realize I made the right choice for
her and for myself.
I hope this answers your questions and if you have
any more please email me through Friends in Adoption.
Thank you for taking
the time to email us.
From Heidi - A Birth Mother
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